http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
I wish that I had more followers so that we could all discuss this piece on "Why you're not Married". Bear in mind that Tracy McMillan is a comedy writer so it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek. My Italian husband was not impressed. But he's old-school and really respects women.
Lucky me!
Love, Light & Laughter...........
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Trick Yourself: A new perspective
We just moved to L.A. to expand our matchmaking business.
I used to live here fifteen years ago. Back in my Venice beach "daze", when I was single, in my 20's, a little wild, bright-eyed and sarcastic, I found it incredibly easy to date. With two other outgoing roommates with good jobs, we were always sharing friends, having parties and meeting new people.
Dating in my 20's was like buying bubble gum: it was easy, quick, cheap and instantly satisfying.
Unfortunately, as one gets older, it becomes more like going to the dentist; you do it because you know it's good for you, but you hate every minute of it.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Don't get me wrong. I know that everybody has a story of a date-gone-wrong. Part of the problem (besides not being able to discern the crazy / the crass / the crooks ) is expectations. As we get older, the stakes are higher (while the dating pool keeps getting smaller and murkier).
OF COURSE, you want your next date to be The One. I get that you're tired; it's exhausting to "sell yourself", turn on the charm after a long day at work, shower again, shell out more cash for "Not-a-chance-in-hell" and not think about the "Criminal Minds" marathon you could be watching right now in your sweats.
But, here's a thought that always works with our clients (especially the women since they seem to get more nervous before first dates).
I say the following:
"Pretend that you and I are best friends; I tell you that my cute, older brother (whom you've never met) is in town for business, knows nobody and has been cooped up in his hotel room. Could you please take him out for one drink?"
You should see how these women relax, become compliant and totally open to the situation.
Not only does this new frame-up help them shift their perpective, but they become totally unattached to the outcome. A short, casual drink with my best friend's brother? Cake walk. They barely think about it. Just an hour? "I only have to show up, be nice and have a laugh", they muse. "And maybe even flirt a little since he's cute!" Imagine that.
Suddenly their expectations have been downsized and they decide to just show up and bring their authentic selves because they believe that they have nothing to lose....
WOWSA.
If only we could be that way every time.
Love, Luck and Laughter,
CM
I used to live here fifteen years ago. Back in my Venice beach "daze", when I was single, in my 20's, a little wild, bright-eyed and sarcastic, I found it incredibly easy to date. With two other outgoing roommates with good jobs, we were always sharing friends, having parties and meeting new people.
Dating in my 20's was like buying bubble gum: it was easy, quick, cheap and instantly satisfying.
Unfortunately, as one gets older, it becomes more like going to the dentist; you do it because you know it's good for you, but you hate every minute of it.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Don't get me wrong. I know that everybody has a story of a date-gone-wrong. Part of the problem (besides not being able to discern the crazy / the crass / the crooks ) is expectations. As we get older, the stakes are higher (while the dating pool keeps getting smaller and murkier).
OF COURSE, you want your next date to be The One. I get that you're tired; it's exhausting to "sell yourself", turn on the charm after a long day at work, shower again, shell out more cash for "Not-a-chance-in-hell" and not think about the "Criminal Minds" marathon you could be watching right now in your sweats.
But, here's a thought that always works with our clients (especially the women since they seem to get more nervous before first dates).
I say the following:
"Pretend that you and I are best friends; I tell you that my cute, older brother (whom you've never met) is in town for business, knows nobody and has been cooped up in his hotel room. Could you please take him out for one drink?"
You should see how these women relax, become compliant and totally open to the situation.
Not only does this new frame-up help them shift their perpective, but they become totally unattached to the outcome. A short, casual drink with my best friend's brother? Cake walk. They barely think about it. Just an hour? "I only have to show up, be nice and have a laugh", they muse. "And maybe even flirt a little since he's cute!" Imagine that.
Suddenly their expectations have been downsized and they decide to just show up and bring their authentic selves because they believe that they have nothing to lose....
WOWSA.
If only we could be that way every time.
Love, Luck and Laughter,
CM
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Power of Vulnerability...... in Dating
The following link is ESSENTIAL for everyone (especially singles) to watch. It perfectly encapsulates the message of what's lacking in today's dating world: vulnerability. Of course, nobody wants to show up and be vulnerable with a stranger...yet that's (almost) exactly what I'm proposing. The whole purpose of a date is to form a connection with someone. Share. Listen. Connect. Yet today, everyone is showing up with layers of masks - "I cannot show him that side of me" or "the hell if I show her that I like her so soon" or the ubiquitous, " I need to show that I'm in control".
In order to form a connection, we must allow ourselves to be seen.
By doing so, we create more of an intimate "bridge" with our date where we're able to connect on a deeper level. Honesty breeds intimacy. Authenticity truly is the new currency in dating. The Real You is who your date will fall in love with eventually, right? Beware of sharing too much, though. Remember, you're still in front of a stranger who doesn't need to know certain unsavory things right away. Less is still more.
Enjoy!
The Power of Vulnerability
In order to form a connection, we must allow ourselves to be seen.
By doing so, we create more of an intimate "bridge" with our date where we're able to connect on a deeper level. Honesty breeds intimacy. Authenticity truly is the new currency in dating. The Real You is who your date will fall in love with eventually, right? Beware of sharing too much, though. Remember, you're still in front of a stranger who doesn't need to know certain unsavory things right away. Less is still more.
Enjoy!
The Power of Vulnerability
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
TOUCH ME...don't text me!
Today we can order men or women online like Super-sized value meals: hold the onions, extra beef and no ice, please! With the tap of our fingers, we can literally choose our Dream Date: 36C, non-smoker, over 6’ male, loves dogs, is FIT. When did we start kicking romance to the curb?
In taking a cue from the Italians -- who invented “slow food” – I’m proposing a slow dating movement. Hey cyber-singles, surrender all of your techie-tools because it’s not working. Slow dating means that you no longer get to hide behind technology to express yourself. You actually have to show up with your Authentic Self from the get-go. Thanks to “Generation Next”, singles are coming up short during the dating process. Our quick-fix, super-social-media-driven society is allowing technology to trump intimacy.
Not dazzled by your date in the first three seconds? Next! You couldn’t get past his shoes? Next! You prefer two inches taller / 10 pounds lighter / 3 years younger…Next! It’s so easy to say “Next!” in the unforgiving world of online dating because you know your inbox is full of potential dates who could be dazzlers. With the stroke of our keypad, we can look better, sound better and seem better online.
But what about off-line aka real life?
I’m not knocking cyber-players. If you have the time and energy for online dating, you may hit the jackpot after Coffee Date #72. But what happens when you ‘put your hands up and step away from the computer’? Suddenly the rules have changed. You’re more conscious of those pesky pounds that you fibbed about or your capacity to cultivate a real one-on-one conversation without relying on emoticons (L) to express yourself. Your quick-wit isn’t so quick anymore; your confidence waxes and wanes. However, it’s when we allow ourselves to be fully seen that a real connection unfolds.
Slow dating is about cultivating a conversation between two people sans computer and being present throughout the journey. Women get to flirt and be feminine, sexy and chased, while men push their potency through their body language and charm while doing the chasing. A sensual exchange is sexier than a technical one. How else can you enjoy someone’s passion and scent or the shape of their hands, the curve of their lips? It’s these very nuances that tilt the odds in one’s favor. A computer can never detect these subtle, yet incredibly vital cues. The spontaneous reaction between two people is what breeds intimacy. Not a text or an email.
Have the courage to let go of who you’re supposed to be and just be who you are.
In your quest to find a soul mate, try to show a little less swagger and a lot more soul. J
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Too many Gold Diggers? Stop being a Gold Dangler!
I live in a pretty wealthy town with a generous mix of old & new 'riche'. Since many men delight in displaying their wealth, it's hard to ignore certain bling ranks: car keys, address, clothes, restaurant choices, etc... Yet it's amazing the number of single men I speak with who start most sentences with: "The women in this town are all gold diggers."
While a large percentage of that may seem true (women tend to divorce very well here), my very next question is: " Well, are you a gold dangler?" This is usually met with a smirk 'n eye squint or a total blank expression. Gold danglers are men who are used to displaying their wealth in subtle or even vulgar ways. They practically dangle their "gold" in front of the ladies.
Key chain: Porsche. Casual mention of their address: On the key. Or multiples: the house up north. Wine order: '97 Sassicaia. Or slipping "...yeah, last weekend we went out on the yacht...." into the conversation. Lady ears are perked, interest is peaked.
Is there ANYTHING wrong with letting a woman know that you are $uccessful? Absolutely Not. But if a man is unhappy about consistently attracting gold-digging women, he needs to start thinking about what he's putting out there. If a man really wants to know if a woman is attracted to him for WHO he is and not what he possesses, he needs to be careful about what he shares. I'm not suggesting showing up in a beat up Ford or abdicating his Fratelli Rossettis .. but men can steer the conversation away from excess pomp and fill it with more...stance.
If a man is looking for authenticity, he needs to be authentic.
There is nothing more attractive than discovering that the man whom you are falling for is financially successful. ("Discovering" is the key word). It's like Christmas! The cherry on top..And you are both certain: He is certain that she likes him for who he truly is. She is certain that she likes him for who he truly is.
So fellas..Keep the swagger, just toss the swank.
While a large percentage of that may seem true (women tend to divorce very well here), my very next question is: " Well, are you a gold dangler?" This is usually met with a smirk 'n eye squint or a total blank expression. Gold danglers are men who are used to displaying their wealth in subtle or even vulgar ways. They practically dangle their "gold" in front of the ladies.
Key chain: Porsche. Casual mention of their address: On the key. Or multiples: the house up north. Wine order: '97 Sassicaia. Or slipping "...yeah, last weekend we went out on the yacht...." into the conversation. Lady ears are perked, interest is peaked.
Is there ANYTHING wrong with letting a woman know that you are $uccessful? Absolutely Not. But if a man is unhappy about consistently attracting gold-digging women, he needs to start thinking about what he's putting out there. If a man really wants to know if a woman is attracted to him for WHO he is and not what he possesses, he needs to be careful about what he shares. I'm not suggesting showing up in a beat up Ford or abdicating his Fratelli Rossettis .. but men can steer the conversation away from excess pomp and fill it with more...stance.
If a man is looking for authenticity, he needs to be authentic.
There is nothing more attractive than discovering that the man whom you are falling for is financially successful. ("Discovering" is the key word). It's like Christmas! The cherry on top..And you are both certain: He is certain that she likes him for who he truly is. She is certain that she likes him for who he truly is.
So fellas..Keep the swagger, just toss the swank.
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